You are the only sane one left; all the other signs of the zodiac have gone crazy and are out to get you.

Suffice to say that if you went ahead and killed yourself, world hunger, famine and poverty would abruptly cease; peace and harmony would be the hallmark of mankind.

Other than that, your outlook is great.

Still waters run deep. Unfortunately, you are about as "deep" as a the "Spice Girls."

Geminis should avoid careers that involve operating heavy machinery, explosives, basic math, spelling, and speaking out loud.

Oh hell ... just stay home.

You will meet the perfect life-mate while purchasing the winning state lottery ticket. Dazed by your sudden good fortune, you fail to see the "walk" signal is not on, and you are killed by the "Hanson" tour bus.

Lucky day!! On your way to lunch, you find a two-dimensional Cancerian clutching a winning lottery ticket and a foxy babe's phone number. Knowing this, you should not bother going to work today. In fact phone your boss right now and inform him/her what an idiot you have always thought the incompetent schmuck is. You might even tell what really happened with his/her spouse at the office Christmas party in '96 ...

You are shrewd and ruthless; upon reading these horoscopes, you immediately buy life insurance on all of every Cancerian you know.

Important: Eye your insurance broker strangely ... He's a Taurus. They like that (see above); it makes them respect you more.

You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Carry a can of mace, and you might be able to get away eventually. After several years of rehab, psychiatry, and heavy medication you might be released to the family on weekends

(but don't count on it).

You Leo, are the lion of the Zodiac. This means you are as fat, lazy and worthless as the ones in the wild kingdom. While you sleep all day, your concubines run around hunting to feed you during the brief debacle of your slothful consciousness. The National Organization of Women [N.O.W.] has decared open season on Leos, and all Anti-Leo militia are intensively trained by Lorena Bobbit.

My psychic powers see coffee in your future. Lots of coffee.

You are a complete loser, and the only person in the world that doesn't know it. Your own mother has to refrain from signing it on your birthday cards. Even your pets know it; your dog hides on walks when other dogs are around, and your pet goldfish are tryng to spell it in the aquarium gravel.

Don't feel too bad, however; you could have been a Leo.

You are intelligent, amiable, charming, and good looking.

Nobody can stand you.

Your wonderful and generous nature is rewarded rather ironically by fate; you will be killed by a seriously sleep-deprived Leo that mistakes you for a N.O.W. member. Luckily, you are so completely devoid of personality that nobody notices you are gone.

You Pisces, are the fish of the Zodiac. Fish are animals that, besides swimming in their own urine, get hooked, beheaded, flayed, gutted, and deep-fried by the billions everyday. That having been said, do you really want to know your future? As if your horoscope will say "You will wake up tomorrow a Scorpio" ... ? Duh!!

Seize the night!
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